Saturday, March 14, 2009

Doubt


Matthew 17:20
"You don’t have enough faith," Jesus said to them, “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, move from here to there and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.”

Faith is such a powerful thing. To have faith in something implies that you feel confident of your belief. If I think someone will help me in a time of need that is a lot different than having faith some one will help me in a time of need. If I only think I can rely on them, I may hesitate before calling. I may wonder if it is worth my time or the risk of rejection. If I have faith, the phone call is made immediately.

I would like to think that I have a strong faith. I definitely pray, go to church, read the word and lots of the other precursors to faith. However, I occasionally, possibly even frequently entertain doubts about my faith. Is it absurd? Can God really care about every single one of us? Does it even make sense?

Usually, I pray trough these doubts, which makes no sense. “I’m not sure you’re there, so I’ll pray to you for guidance.” What kind of circular thinking is that? However, after a prayer like that, I get an answer. Sometimes it’s in the form of a song on the radio, sometimes in a message at church, sometimes in the twinkling leaves that flutter in the wind. Sometimes, the answer just appears in my head out of nowhere, a gentle, “Yes, I’m real.”

This process is amazing to me. My faith is actually strengthened by my doubt. In the midst of doubt, I call out to God, an act of faith. God in turn, responds, but I have to be ready to receive it, again, an act of faith. When the message comes, I embrace it, relieved, a confirmation of faith. See, faith is present through the whole cycle of doubt. In fact, I think that doubt is actually the first step to faith. Without doubt, my faith would be pointless. If I was certain, I wouldn’t need faith.

God rejoices in our faith, especially He gives us free will to believe in him or turn away. Luckily for us, he also sends the Holy Spirit to help us accept him into our hearts. We need not be ashamed of our doubt, but rather accept it, embrace it and pray our way through it, for without doubt, there cannot be faith.

Dear Lord,
When I doubt you, I feel lost, guilty and confused. However, you have given me the ability to believe in you despite my doubts. Thank you for the gift of the Holy Spirit, who brings me confidence in your existence.

Amen.

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